Saturday, March 05, 2016
After I came home from my therapy, I tidied up the kitchen and living room. I got myself a cup of coffee and sat down in my chair and looked outside. The door in the kitchen was open so I could hear the song birds singing I thoroughly enjoyed that! I decided the boys were going to have pizza for supper. Zayn had a day off from school and Walker's home . Walker is a patient, funny, loving uncle. All Walker's friends have patience with him too. He spends a lot of time in Walker's bedroom on the PlayStation, iPhone, tablet or laptop. I will hear them laughing, and caring on most of the day. Losing JayJ, my 30 year old son has had an awful toll on Zayn, ( JayJ and Erin's son) and me and Walker. Zayn knows Grandma is his very own secret keeper. I loved and adored my granny! My aunt Joan and my granny was my safe place. I was loved, fed, summer days filled with laughter I'm was safe and happy.
Friday, March 04, 2016
This blog is for me. My journey, my thoughts, my life. I'm writing to help me. This isn't a blog for sun kissed children, who've lived in clean white framed houses. My life has a lot of trauma and ugliness in it. Today is about my therapy appointment with Dr. Pollock. I brought up the rapes. The feelings of hopelessness, no options, loss of control, superficial, no investment, booty call, mentally illness , not adequate education. I was living with Albert and Ashley. I rented a room from them. It wasn't safe though. I was able to save money to get my own place in 10 months total time. I wanted to get my son back. My mom, kept Walker for a school year. In the apartment complex where I lived, there were several Tanzanian's who were not documented but working in Jefferson City, They lived in close proximity of the apartment . If Albert and Ashley weren't at home, I was vulnerable. I didn't have a key to the apartment the first 5 months. I worked as a pharmacy technician and would see my son most days. When I came home, I would go to my room. I would fall asleep. Looking back Albert helped facilitate those rapes. I couldn't go to the police. I would loose my hard faught sense of security of my rented room. I've been homeless before as a child. It's tough. I had to disassociate my brain, my thinking, to live through the trauma. My Mother would've judged me if I didn't have an adequate place to live. How in her eyes was I making the steps to get Walker back? It all goes back to being judged. Dr Pol, told me I did what I had to do in order to survive. I finally feel like I don't have to judge myself. I've always felt unworthy. In the next few days I'm gonna be thinking about " reframing " my thoughts. I lay the blame at the feet of the men that raped me. I couldn't scream, calling the police at that time wasn't an option. I couldn't tell my room-mates Albert, was a Tanzanian and in it to.