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Friday, March 04, 2016

Reframing thoughts, reframing traumatic episodes

This blog is for me. My journey, my thoughts, my life. I'm writing to help me. This isn't a blog for sun kissed children, who've lived in clean white framed houses. My life has a lot of trauma and ugliness in it. Today is about my therapy appointment with Dr. Pollock. I brought up the rapes. The feelings of hopelessness, no options, loss of control, superficial, no investment, booty call, mentally illness , not adequate education. I was living with Albert and Ashley. I rented a room from them. It wasn't safe though. I was able to save money to get my own place in 10 months total time.  I wanted to get my son back. My mom, kept Walker for a school year. In the apartment complex where I lived, there were several Tanzanian's who were not documented but working in Jefferson City, They lived in close proximity of the  apartment .  If Albert and Ashley weren't at home, I was vulnerable. I didn't have a key to the apartment the first 5 months. I worked as a pharmacy technician and would see my son most days.  When I came home, I would go to my room. I would fall asleep. Looking back Albert helped facilitate those rapes. I couldn't go to the police. I would loose my hard faught sense of security of my rented room. I've been homeless before as a child. It's tough. I had to disassociate my brain, my thinking, to live through the trauma.  My Mother would've judged me if I didn't have an adequate place to live. How in her eyes was I making the steps to get Walker back? It all goes back to being judged. Dr Pol, told me I did what I had to do in order to survive. I finally feel like I don't have to judge myself. I've always felt unworthy.  In the next few days I'm gonna be thinking about " reframing " my thoughts. I lay the blame at the feet of the men that raped me. I couldn't scream, calling the police at that time wasn't an option. I couldn't tell my room-mates Albert, was a Tanzanian and in it to.

2 comments:

S. J. Qualls said...

You've been MIA for quite some time and it looks as if you have multiple reasons.
Welcome to my ever decreasing world. May we be friends.

Gabrielle Gengler said...

Qualls, welcome...