Friday, March 04, 2016
Reframing thoughts, reframing traumatic episodes
This blog is for me. My journey, my thoughts, my life. I'm writing to help me. This isn't a blog for sun kissed children, who've lived in clean white framed houses. My life has a lot of trauma and ugliness in it. Today is about my therapy appointment with Dr. Pollock. I brought up the rapes. The feelings of hopelessness, no options, loss of control, superficial, no investment, booty call, mentally illness , not adequate education. I was living with Albert and Ashley. I rented a room from them. It wasn't safe though. I was able to save money to get my own place in 10 months total time. I wanted to get my son back. My mom, kept Walker for a school year. In the apartment complex where I lived, there were several Tanzanian's who were not documented but working in Jefferson City, They lived in close proximity of the apartment . If Albert and Ashley weren't at home, I was vulnerable. I didn't have a key to the apartment the first 5 months. I worked as a pharmacy technician and would see my son most days. When I came home, I would go to my room. I would fall asleep. Looking back Albert helped facilitate those rapes. I couldn't go to the police. I would loose my hard faught sense of security of my rented room. I've been homeless before as a child. It's tough. I had to disassociate my brain, my thinking, to live through the trauma. My Mother would've judged me if I didn't have an adequate place to live. How in her eyes was I making the steps to get Walker back? It all goes back to being judged. Dr Pol, told me I did what I had to do in order to survive. I finally feel like I don't have to judge myself. I've always felt unworthy. In the next few days I'm gonna be thinking about " reframing " my thoughts. I lay the blame at the feet of the men that raped me. I couldn't scream, calling the police at that time wasn't an option. I couldn't tell my room-mates Albert, was a Tanzanian and in it to.